Local man and self-proclaimed “alpha male” Simon Williams, 35, was today spotted scrolling through his phone to double-check what Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson, and whichever shirtless ‘manosphere coach’ just went viral on TikTok would like him to do next.
Despite declaring himself a lone wolf who “bows to no one,” Simon appears to have constructed his entire personality out of recycled advice barked at him by other men online, including how to sit, how to eat steak, and the correct facial expression to wear while pretending to own a Bugatti.
“He keeps saying he’s an independent leader of men,” said a friend, “but then he’ll excuse himself mid-conversation to watch a YouTube short of a cigar-chomping influencer explaining the correct way to dominate a handshake. […]
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But the alpha male thing is different in that it was discovered that status isn’t really a thing in wild Wolfpacks. The observations from this study used wolves in captivity. The alpha wolf study has been debunked.
Then again: the bulk of humanity lives in shitty captivity of economic shackles 😅.
That’s ultimately what the eugenecist is selecting for, whether they know it or not. A better slave; an Eloi.