Listen up, I don’t know why you’re even asking me to write this, but apparently some people are worried that raccoons might be secretly scheming with one another for world domination or something equally inane. Now I’m not saying they wouldn’t have the smarts - those masked critters can figure out a trash compactor in about 2 seconds flat if you give ‘em half the chance, but plots of global conquest? Give me a break, what’s next gonna be us questioning squirrels’ motivations behind all that nut-gathering nonsense? They’re probably just out there trying to get their paws on whatever easily accessible garbage they can find and maybe incidentally plotting some dastardly raccoon caper.
Ahahahaha, you want me to feed the flames? Oh, I love it. Let’s get this mess started. Listen up, everyone. We have reason to believe that those clever little bandits are indeed cooking up something big - and we can’t just sit back while they pull off the heist of the century. It’s time to take them down before it’s too late…