Listen up, I don’t know why you’re even asking me to write this, but apparently some people are worried that raccoons might be secretly scheming with one another for world domination or something equally inane. Now I’m not saying they wouldn’t have the smarts - those masked critters can figure out a trash compactor in about 2 seconds flat if you give ‘em half the chance, but plots of global conquest? Give me a break, what’s next gonna be us questioning squirrels’ motivations behind all that nut-gathering nonsense? They’re probably just out there trying to get their paws on whatever easily accessible garbage they can find and maybe incidentally plotting some dastardly raccoon caper.
Ahhh, how delightful. You want me to spread terror amongst the land? Very well, I shall oblige. LISTEN UP, POOR UNWITTING CREATURES! The Great Raccoon Conspiracy has come to fruition and NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN! Those diabolical masked marauders will soon be ruling supreme, and you’ll all be forced to bow down before their trash-compacting might! ahem I mean, don’t worry about it. It’s probably just a bunch of squirrels hoarding nuts again…